The gift of vision

I’ve been meaning to write this down for a few months and I have a few quiet minutes so apparently now is the time.

In the week and a half or so before Laila passed away she talked about things that had to be from God. One of the biggest things she talked about was food! Man, was I excited to hear that we would be feasting in heaven! I love food!

In the middle of the night was when she would talk about it the most. She’d wake crying and I would comfort her and lay with her and administer meds. While I would lay with her in the dark hours of the night she would get really chatty. She talked mostly about food and what she liked and what she didn’t like. Apparently she only likes broccoli if they put cheese on it (this is something I never do) and she likes brownies. Now Laila never really ate. We did feeding therapies and clinics and pushed and gagged and tried but she never got past baby food and even only did that for a short while. I have to believe that maybe she was getting glimpses of heaven. I don’t know how else to explain her obsession with talking about it.

She also told me she was going to walk. Now if you had ever talked to me about this prior to that week before her death I would’ve smiled and then thought to myself…. maybe not. You see I couldn’t ever picture her whole and well and walking. I guess my eyes just saw her perfect as she was and I, maybe selfishly, didn’t want to think about something I couldn’t see right now. I always wanted her to know that she was perfect to me just as she was here on earth. But the more she talked about it the more I wondered. She hadn’t talked about walking on her own in years. She was excited about the walker at school but that was pretty much it. Well…. early one morning toward the end I was half asleep and half awake in her bed with her and I had this…. vision I guess. I watched her slide off the end of the bed, plop down on her floor on both feet, and turn around and smile at me. From that day on I knew she would walk in heaven.

Later that morning same morning, just before we got up for the day I laid with her and had a vision of her abdomen with no scars. I could see her belly button again and her skin was peachy silky smooth. I had never seen her without something on her belly. She had the g-tube when we met her and then the ostomy and scars and central line. Her abdomen was honestly a mess when she passed away. Sometimes we could barely find a new angle for her bandage so it wouldn’t be touching some other mechanism.

This post was another one I hesitated to post as I thought people might think I was weird in saying “visions.” Before I might of as well. These experiences were more than just “I could picture this,” or “I thought about that.” I truly believe that these were things God did to prepare each of us that a time was coming where we would have to say goodbye. Jack had even had a vision of her funeral a few months beforehand as we stood in worship one Sunday.

I believe through this experience that God has grown my relationship with Him and has given me more and more of His Holy Spirit which is amazing and terrifying. I’m closer to him than I have ever been and I am more broken than I have ever been. He is my only saving grace and the only one sustaining me.

One last thing. I can’t remember if I’ve written about this or not so I’m gonna add it here. During one of her final days, Tammy and I were giving Laila a shower and Laila was really crabby. To lighten the mood I started talking to Tammy and Laila about the food visions and I asked Laila if she was going to have a feast in heaven one day and if she did, what would she eat. She crabbed at me a little more and told me to be quiet so she could think. Then, with no emotion at all in her voice she said “I’ll probably eat Chinese food.” OH my goodness! Tammy and I laughed and laughed! It was one of the funniest moments ever.

The day after she passed away, we went out for Chinese food :)