Controlling Grief

Friday, September 8, 2017

That title is a complete oxymoron.  I’m learning.

I am a control freak.  I even had someone ask me once which branch of the military I was in as they saw the tight ship I run around this household.  No military, all self imposed, self taught ridiculousness…. that is me ;)

So, this new grief thing… I’m not loving the lack of control I have in this area.  I keep trying to figure it out and it keeps laughing at me and sneaking up like an annoying little kid jumping out at me with a nerf gun (mommas can relate!).

I thought all summer that the first week of school would be hard but it turned out that the week before school started was hard and I found myself crying in the school supply aisle at Walmart.  I HATE crying in public.  And then the first week of school was OK.

One day last week I was in line to pay for something really quick in Walgreens and I saw a particular kind of cookie that brought back memories of her time in Michigan at CLC which made me think of old friends and how I hadn’t even told them she passed away and then there I was crying in front of the poor cashier as I paid for my soda.  Ugh!

And pictures!  Oh, pictures are THE WORST.  If I could never take another group or family picture that would be just great (but also not fair to the people who are still here with me.)  She is missing.  I see the hole where she should be in every. single. one.  I have no idea if I will even do Christmas cards this year….. and yep here come the tears again as I even type and think about Christmas.  And I love Christmas but how will I even survive the annual picture of the kids in their Christmas PJ’s in front of the tree on Christmas Eve.  Emma and Jackson always fought over who would get to hold her.  Oh God… this is SO hard.  Ok, I’ve gotta move on at this moment and let that tomorrow worry about itself.

This post has been rolling around in my head but there was something today that pushed me to write it.  Today it was as simple as picking up the thermometer and accidentally hitting the button which shows you the last temp taken…..

This was another one of those little sneak attacks.  I was going along just fine until this today.  Laila’s temp when she passed away popped up right in front of my eyes unexpectedly.  That temperature is completely unbelievable.  But there it was staring at me, pulling me back into that moment of panic and sorrow and suffocation.

I keep trying to figure this grief monster out and get ahead of it but it’s unattainable.  I cry at the weirdest times and can talk about her just fine in other moments when others (and myself) would expect tears.

I’m going to try to embrace it.  What else is there to do.

Thanks for letting me share :)