This morning was one of those mornings where I just could’ve slept all day. My alarm went off for my devotion and prayer journaling time and I just turned it off. The time kept creeping along and I did this internal fight with myself on whether or not everyone would understand if I stayed in bed and didn’t get up. And they would. But I know that is not the right choice for me.
“You have three other kids.” I heard that inaudibly whispered to me over and over as I laid in bed this morning. I believe those of you that texted that you are praying for me brought that voice. Thank you. So I got up for the other kids. I got their breakfast on the table like usual and let Jack pray over me like usual. But I had no words for anyone. I couldn’t pray over Jack out loud or over Emma as I dropped her off to choir this morning or Jackson when I dropped him off or RJ as we began our school day. I can pray internally but out loud doesn’t work today, and that’s OK
I have no words today that I can say out loud without crying. So I’m typing out my feelings because it is a release for me. A healthy outlet.
My precious girl would’ve been 10 today. She loved birthdays and any celebration and was so full of joy and life. And yes, I know she is more full of life now than ever….but I’m gonna be honest and tell you that today that makes me roll my eyes and all I hear is “blah, blah, blah.” My head always knows it but heart isn’t on board with that today. Some days it is but not today. I want her here. I want her laugh. I want to watch her kick her feet out in excitement and arch her crazy back and have absolutely no muscle control because she is so happy to see her decorations that she might just jump out of her wheelchair.
I want her here.
I’m gonna try to be grateful that God gave me insight that last year would be her last birthday and how special it was made by so many amazing people. You can join me by reading about it here. I’m gonna drink coffee and breathe. Those are my only goals for the next few minutes. I’m taking today one minute at a time.
Thank you for always being so loving on days like today when I just need to write and get it out and be honest. I love God more than Laila and I know you all know that but the reality of Christianity isn’t always rainbows and sunshine. Sometimes the reality of Christianity is that I tell God I hate his plans and I don’t understand and I don’t think it’s fair and then cling to Him for dear life because He is the only constant that I will ever have.