On The Verge

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

This time next week we will be in the car, a few hours into a six week long journey.  Time is literally flying by so fast that I can kind of picture numbers and times floating past me.  It is crazy.

One day last week I had one of my really bad grief days.  Those days are still there and very real.  The world is still the world, Laila is still gone, and humans still suck sometimes.  It’s just the gosh darn truth.  But, there are way more good days than bad at this point.  I honestly never thought that would happen, even 4-5 months ago I thought that.  Anyway, on that day last week I was literally on the verge of tears every. single. moment.  Any second tears would be dripping down my face… well and here they come again right now.  Triggers….

AHHHH, OK, refocusing on what I want to say.  I love when you guys have to go on this crazy rabbit trail blog craziness with me ;)  What I wanted to say today is that as I sat on the verge of tears that day, I sat and reflected on all of the things I was on the verge of in my life right now.  When I have the grief days, one of the things I do is try to figure out what is triggering me and work through those things.  Sometimes I can identify them and sometimes I can’t but that day God revealed a whole load to me and I’ve been prompted for about a week to write them down.  So here goes….

I’m on the verge of:

My last day of work today.  Working at Revived for the last year helped me finally get out of the house and face the humans that I sometimes dread who say rude things and are very insensitive to people who are grieving.

Jack’s last day of work this Friday.  He’s been at Excel for over 11 years, worked with some incredible guys who make him laugh and fill his life with teasing and challenge.  Also, we see clearly some of the roles a few of them had in  leading us to this new adventure with Mission Aviation Fellowship.

Selling our house.  We thought we would wait but a few people have been interested and in looking at finances we think we will probably sell it sooner rather than later if the right offer comes along.  This is the only house Laila and RJ have lived in with us.

Cleaning out Laila’s room.  I’m actually just wanting it done at this point.  It is a good point.  I have no problem going in there anymore which is a huge blessing.

Leaving for six weeks.  That is a LONG time!!  Cleaning, preparing, budgeting, booking hotels, getting cars ready, finding people for our animals.

Saying goodbyes…. dang it.  I know these goodbyes are only for six weeks right now but did I mention that’s a LONG time?!!? And of course in the back of my mind it also includes the goodbyes in my head that I know are coming in a year or so when we move overseas.

Homeschooling.  All the kids are homeschooling this next year!  Woohoo!  I’m very excited to have all my babies home (yes, I’m calling them all babies even though the oldest is in China on her own like a freaking adult right now!).  Our whole family will get to be together all the time.  I’m sure I’ll probably want to lock one or all of them in a closet at some point but for now it sounds exciting ;)  Are you picturing me trying to shove giant Jack in a closet?  No?  Oh yeah, me neither…

Processing Emma being in China.  I’m processing the fact that Emma is doing this grown up thing and is telling me that she is so drawn to these special kids at Maria’s Big House of Hope and all the feelings of realizing how grown up she is and the heart God has given her for the poor and needy and what is He gonna do with her life.  I’m definitely understanding more and more how our moms are feeling about our situation as I process Emma’s.

Handing over the Celebrate Recovery ministry.  I don’t know to who yet but I know that at some point in the next year I won’t be able to run this anymore as we need to focus on our new ministry that God is giving us with MAF.  Learning God’s word through CR has changed my life as a parent, wife, sister, friend, Christian…. Having that safe environment to process my challenges in especially the areas of parenting and grief was key for me.  It’s so close to my heart.  I look forward to what God has planned for the future but for a control freak like me, giving up this one is hard.

Going into full time ministry.  In a few short weeks we will be accepting a position that will be based on people financially supporting us monthly and all the details that go along with it.  All the responsibility of being All In for God every day.  That’s a whole blog post in itself…


So that’s a lot of stuff and a lot of change I guess.  When I look at it all in print it helps me give myself grace on the hard days as I process everything but also excitement about all the ways God is trusting us with His kingdom and all the adventures ahead.

On last thing…. we have had to take a few family pictures for our newletters and prayer cards and you all know family pictures are hard for me.  But they did turn out pretty cool :)