The Lost Years

I’ve heard a lot of adoptive mothers talking about grieving over the lost years with their adoptive child.  I even remember talking with someone not too long ago how I really hadn’t felt that with RJ so far and I wondered if I was some kind of insensitive weirdo.  I was just glad that we have him now and of course my heart hurt for him and everything he had to endure in the past seven years but I didn’t have so much grief for myself over missing that time.  Until this week…..

We began homeschool and while I had kind of gone into it with the attitude of a “have to because it’s best” and was really beginning to enjoy it and look forward to our time together.  We were bonding over victories and figuring things out together.  It’s fun to spend that time together.

I think I had explained earlier that the program that we chose was so that RJ would qualify for the voucher program in our state next year and get assistance with our tuition at the Christian school that Emma and Jackson attend.  You qualify for the voucher if your child has attended one year of public school the year prior or if they are awarded a certain kind of scholarship during their kindergarten year.  We received a call that since they had placed RJ in kindergarten through the online public schooling that wouldn’t qualify him for the voucher because it had to be first grade and higher.  Ugh.  We had also found out that our principal at the Christian school had made some calls and explained our situation to the organization in charge of the kindergarten scholarships and they are willing to provide RJ with the scholarship if he goes to the second semester of kindergarten at DMC.  We’ve never made our decisions based on finances and I didn’t want to do that now but it was also very hard because this was the difference of either having to find some way to pay his tuition next year and for the rest of his schooling, or committing to homeschooling for the next year and a half through first grade which would qualify him for the voucher for second grade.  We decided to pray for direction and do nothing until we got it.

As I prayed I realized that this meant that my precious time with him would be cut short so soon and I just wasn’t willing to do that.  At the same time Jack was, and had been since the beginning, leaning toward him going to school.  Again, when you’re divided and it’s early, you do nothing.  Every time we would come up with a pro for one argument we’d come up with one for the other and same with the cons.  If he stayed home he’d get one on one attention that he needs but if he goes then he gets the interaction and structure that he needs.  If he stays home he’ll have more time to attach and bond with me but if he goes he’ll learn English quicker by immersion.  And so on…

One evening we decided that he’s old enough to have an opinion so we asked him.  He said “I Jackson school.”  My heart broke a little.  I think he could tell that I was disappointed so he said “mommy school.”  I ran with that thinking oh he doesn’t really understand.  About an half hour later he came and crawled up on my lap and softly said “mom, I Jackson school.”  It was almost like he was ashamed that was his choice but he was brave enough to be honest about it anyway.  Again, sadness for me.  He has asked me if he can go to Jackson’s school every day since I gave him the option.  I think this partly has to do with the fact that all the other kids his age were permitted to leave the orphanage to go to school but he was not.  He really just wants to be like everyone else.

The next day I called the school to see if he had to go full days or if we could choose for him to go half days.  Turns out he can go half days which still leaves me with the other half of the day with him but it’s the afternoon so we wouldn’t have our alone time anymore since Laila is morning preschool.  We also spend three days a week taking Laila to therapy in the afternoon so it’s not really quality time.

Do you find a theme?  I did.  As I kept going through all of these things I found that the common denominator was me getting what I want.  I finally realized that this was the thing that pushed me over the edge in grieving those precious seven years I missed with this amazing boy.  It snuck up on me and so all week I’ve been kicking and screaming, fighting losing him to school when I just need more time.  I realized that I have always been the mom that hates when school starts and I cried for a solid two months when my oldest started full days at school.  I finally had the moment where I realized that no time is ever going to be enough to make up for what I’ve lost.  I will never get five years with him before I ship him off to school like I did with the bio children.  I want that time back so bad it hurts.  I want to watch his first steps and feed him baby food and hear his first words.  I don’t even know how much he weighed when he was born or even what day he was born.  Our first trip to the doctor was my first sign of grieving this because now I remember a few weeks ago when we went and I cried looking at all the questions on the sheet:  natural or cesarean birth, birth weight, prenatal care, complications, family history of disease….. ???  I know nothing.  Made me really really thankful for all the information we have on Laila.  I’ve been thinking over the past ten months about how hard it will be for RJ to process all this especially in his teenage years when he’s already trying to figure out who he his and truly there is no information for him to have, just speculation of why typically kids like him are given up.  And having that answer is not ideal either.

Some have told me this is a case for me just to homeschool since I grieve so much over them leaving but its not what I have felt called to do.  We absolutely love our school and our kids have grown in so many ways and especially spiritually by having these amazing teachers in their lives.  When I was crying over this Jack pointed out that we have two good options, no bad ones and we should feel blessed for that.  Oh that man getting all practical and positive on me! ;)

Even though I should have made the decision already to send him to school based on all that information, especially taking RJ’s opinion into consideration, I was still holding out.  I had been praying for a real eye opening confirmation or that God would just give it to Jack and I could follow him because I knew I was too emotional to differentiate between my will and God’s.  He gave it to me today.

As we were doing school at home today I got a call from the school corporation.  I had been working with them on getting RJ a speech evaluation because he has had problems even in Marathi with speech and I know he needs help with that.  When they called today they told me that they are not able to do anything with RJ because he is enrolled in a public school (online) and so they would be the ones to provide him with any therapy he needs.  Speech therapy over the computer with a headset and microphone? No thanks.  Again I got mad and threw a little fit (yep I’m ridiculous).  I called Jack and complained then I called my friend Chanda and complained.  Chanda let me have my fit and then pointed out that even though this is not what I wanted, it was God’s closing the door just like I had asked.  As a former homeschool mom, she had a little weight there with me.  She was right.

So as of today, I’m turning in the withdraw form for RJ to leave online school.  I do still plan to work with him in the afternoons on a different curriculum and have special time together and help him get caught up academically.  This was a hard pill to swallow this week and I just want to say thank you to all of you who have been my prayer warriors through this.  I’m still brought to tears even this moment over it but I’m thankful for God’s guidance and know that in everything He works for the good of those who love him.  I do love Him so much, even enough to lay His plan for my children before Him as a sacrifice over my own plan.