The struggle is real

Social anxiety. I’ve got it pretty bad right now. I’ve been pretty isolated for a couple months and now I’m just beginning to try to venture out, and it’s hard.

Please let me preface this with how much I love and appreciate all the support. Like so super appreciate it I could cry. All the cards, texts, comments, love…. I’m so grateful.

In person I struggle though. Everyone is so excited to see Laila and I struggle with the fear of all the germs. And then everyone asks how she’s doing and I struggle with how to answer that. And then she smiles and laughs and everyone assumes she is fine. And the tears come for me and I hate crying in front of people. There’s just a lot to cry about these days.

Anxiety is something I have battled for a very long time and especially since I met Laila. There is just so much to worry about with her but also so much God has taught me about how to rely on Him. I have been in recovery for two and a half years and learned how to give these thoughts back to God and let Him be in control but of course this is a day by day and sometimes hour by hour process. And given our recent events I’m just now trying to process everything that has happened and continues to happen. I have a lot of fear and guilt bottled up that I’m beginning to discuss with people I trust.

So, I just wanted to take a few minutes to say that if there is anyone I came across today or in the coming months that I seem rude to or cold, please extend me grace. It is nothing personal. Honestly, it’s me. I’m just trying to work through and learn a new normal while recovering from a very traumatic experience.

No matter what though, these kids are worth every single minute, every single feeling, every single ounce of strength I have. I will give them my all for the rest of my days. I will love them fiercely. Having four kids, two with special and medical needs and two who try to find their place among all of that is tough. Oh how I love them. And for how much I love them, my Heavenly Father gives me just a glimpse of how much He loves me….. And you.

John 3:16-17 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.