For Better or For Worse

I’ve been spending the past few weeks feeling…. weird.  Trying to capture our new reality while also having many memories of this time last year.  My amazon photos app keeps reminding me of what pictures I took this time last year….. like this one

March 10, 2016 was one the scariest days of my life.  I have memories and images in my head from that day that still haunt me.  It was the day that I thought for sure I would soon bury my child.  There is definitely a lot about that 34 day hospital stay that was scary but this was the day that I raised my palms in the air and offered up my Isaac (Laila).  I was terrified and yet beautifully willing to allow the Lord to take her.  I spent a long time riddled with guilt about that, feeling like I was willing to give up on her.  I hid it and let it eat at me.  Thankfully I had a good support system in place and through sharing with my CR sponsor, friends and recently some counseling I have allowed the Lord to replace the lies of the enemy.  I know that I was placing her rest above my grief.  I still battle lies but I’m a warrior and can handle it with my gracious Lord.  I never wrote about it at the time.  Didn’t know if I ever would.

I also have recent images that roll around in my brain……. the ambulance…… the palliative care team walking into her most recent hospital room….. panics on nights when she actually sleeps wondering if she is still alive…..  Fear knocks at my door on a daily basis.  I battle this with truth in God’s word, sharing with accountability partners, prayer and counseling.

In some ways things are worse now than they were a year ago.  Last year there were still options.  Last year there was a different kind of hope.  But….

This year there is a smiling, silly girl.  As I read back through entries it is hard to even imagine how long I went without hearing her laugh or seeing her smile.  Those things get me through the day.  She has gone to school more this semester than she has the past two years during second semester.  She has been the healthiest (besides GI issues) that she has been really since we’ve known her.  No pneumonia, no flu, no ear infections, no UTIs.  That is truly amazing.  The song “Count Your Blessings” comes into my head A LOT!

Hope has constantly been a problem for me.  I self-protect by not wanting to hope so then I think I won’t get disappointed.  Recently I discovered a song by Tenth Avenue North called “I Have This Hope.”  It has lifted the veil I have had over my eyes for months.  God revealed to me that I don’t have to hope for details about Laila.  I have to anchor my hope in God alone and His promises in scripture.  I don’t have to hope for healing or new medicines, or cures.  Those things may be fine for someone else but I know they are an opening for the enemy in a spiritual battle in my mind.  I choose just to focus on the fact that God will never leave us or forsake us (Deut 31:6).  I choose to focus on the fact that God  will make good out of all things (Romans 8:28).  I focus on God redeeming the years the locust eat (Joel 2:25).  I claim the promise that the Lord is with me and will uphold me wherever I go (Isaiah 41:10).  And I am constantly reminded by our sweet, gracious Lord that He sees me (Gen 16:13).

That last one I literally wear around my neck as a reminder.  It has been a common theme in my life this past year.  I read it in my blog entries and I hear it echo in conversation after conversation.  I ask God to show me something every day to remind me that He sees me and what we are going through and guess what…. He does.  And then I praise Him for it and share these little victories and this enlightenment with others.  He truly sees me and loves me and weeps with me.  He is truly amazing.

I pray you remember that He also sees you today.