Zero to Sixty

I’ve had a post rolling around in my head about adoption and RJ and tough stuff and birth parent questions. I thought that would be my next post but apparently the small one decided she needed more word space first….

Laila is always, always keeping us on our toes. She went from fine yesterday morning to having me packing bags for a trip to Indy to the ER by 2:30 in the afternoon. She went from ok ostomy output to zero output for almost 24 hours. Crazy stuff.

When her ostomy stops working eventually all that yuck that goes through her intestines has to go somewhere so it backs up into her stomach and after time has to find a way out. In walks vomit on the scene.

Vomit is a way of life in our house. Wow, that sounds super depressing. True story though. So it doesn’t usually concern me or those who care for her much but something was just different and off yesterday.

I got on I65 headed for Indy and when I got almost to Jack’s work exit I felt a strong urge, almost a physical pull to get off the highway and pick up Jack. I had hardly got off the highway and Laila started vomiting again. I had to try to catch it in a bucket while holding her hair out of the way, driving a car and putting it into park barely off the side of the road. Thank you Holy Spirit, thank you God for your hand on me to get off the highway.

So while it is not convenient for Jack to travel with me and we had to juggle the other three with friends and family, we went together.

The ER knew we were coming so we got right in. Then the vomit turned very dark and started having blood in it. Wretching after wretching, watching our pale little girl suffer….. this will be another vision that haunts me I’m sure. She looked like she was dying…. again….

The night was rough and carried into the morning. Surgery and GI teams consulting, tesing and guessing and we’re still not sure. The vomiting has settled down but her heart rate is hanging high and her pain is not controlled.

Jack and I had a meeting with her palliative team today. I’m thankful he was here. We have a lot to think and pray about. This is so hard watching our girl suffer. So hard. Like crazy hard.

As always God has met us here and is giving us glimpses of Himself and His love for us. I cried and begged Him not to make me watch my child suffer and all I could hear is “I know.” How appropriate. How appropriate that I would be able to fall to my knees before a God who can say “me too.” How appropriate that this time of year is when I would have that conversation with Him. We do not have a God who can not sympathize with us. He is so good. Even when I don’t like His plan and am terrified and act like a two year old, angry one minute and wanting to crawl in His lap the next minute; He is good. He lets me cry and question and He whispers small meanful phrases to me hidden in His word.

Hebrews 4:15-16 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Please keep praying for Laila to have the pain subside and the vomiting to be over. Pray for answers or for me to find peace with no answers. Please pray for my anxiety because every scary, out-of-the-blue episode makes me want to never leave her side in fear. Pray boldly, dear friends.