The Fear of Abandonment

Christmas has come and gone.  The holidays are flying by and I’m wondering where the time is going.  I’m sometimes feeling like I can literally see the clock spinning faster and faster as the minutes fly by.

As time goes on, I’m recognizing some things in myself as we spend time with friends and family.

I have a fear of abandonment.

It’s no secret that I’ve been a member of Celebrate Recovery for over five years.  I’ve struggled with anxiety and anger in my parenting and relationships and instead of staying stuck there, I sought a biblical way to work through the things that were causing those emotions.  Seeing the bible through the lens of recovery has helped me see when my emotions are rolling out of whack and try to let the Holy Spirit help me find why and try to fix it.

Emotions are definitely welling up these days and I’ve been working for a little over a month on searching scripture and praying and trying to figure out why.  Of course it’s obvious that this would be an emotional time for us but the anger and anxiety are creeping back in and when that happens I need to pray and figure our why.

We have gone through many major things in our lives and every time we lose people.  It’s part of the process.

We moved away when we got married:  We lost people.

We moved back to Indiana:  We lost people.

We became foster parents:  We lost people

We adopted Laila: We lost people.

We adopted RJ:  We lost people.

We had to put all our energy into caring for Laila:  We lost people.

We became the people who lost a child:  We lost people.

We became missionaries:  We’re losing people.

My human mind wants to dwell on the loss and see every time someone begins to pull away before we can make them feel the hurt when we leave or change.  But, I can’t stay stuck there.

We have gained deep friends that have stuck by us through all of this hard stuff.  Some of them have stuck through every single one of those things.  AND some relationships are only for a season.  They weren’t all meant to stick.  They were to relate and help us through something in that time and place and then God needed to gift them to someone else for that purpose.

So instead of over analyzing the why and how it will happen, I will enjoy the ride.  I will know that God is in control and if He needs to prune and refine relationships then I will let Him.  I will know that it is going to be REALLY hard to stay in touch with us overseas and there will most definitely people who will fade away.  I will not fight for and be upset with people who don’t understand our new life.  I will bring it to the Lord in prayer and find direction from the Holy Spirit on His path for us.

The Lord gives and takes away.  We know this full well and choose to follow Him, no matter the cost.   We’ve learned that those that fade away don’t need to be in anger but just change and refinement in relationship.  I’m gonna keep working on this :)