Living in Too Familiar

Thursday, October 20, 2022

Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy.

—Psalm 61:1-3


This is usually a comforting word, associated with being in a situation where you know what to do and therefore feel peace.  Those of us overseas long for the “familiar” comforts of home.

This has not been the case for me in my current state of familiar.

For the past year and a half Jackson has been battling sudden, chronic ear infections.  It began while we were in the States on furlough in 2021.  This has led to many doctors appointments, medications, phone calls, searching, and advocating for his healthcare.

At this present moment I am sitting in a surgery waiting room.  This is too familiar.

The past six months of this battle has triggered more and more memories of advocating for and caring for Laila.  While it is no where near as serious of a situation, I’m triggered nonetheless.

  • Why is this happening?
  • Why can’t I be good enough to find answers for my child after all this time?
  • Can I trust this doctor’s knowledge?
  • Why do I have to be away from home, all alone, to do this?
  • Is it even safe to hope that this time we’ll have healing when several other times the answers have fallen short.  Infection returns.
  • and on and on…

So what can I do?  What have I been doing to deal with these plaguing questions and thoughts?

Pray AND Listen.

I honestly, in raw emotion, bring these thoughts and worries and lay them at the foot of the cross.  I let God remind me how He said “I will be with you.”  I let the Holy Spirit flood my mind with God’s Word, the only truth that exists.  I let Him remind me of all the ways I didn’t have to be “enough” in the past.  He. Is. Enough.

He has equipped me in the past and He will do it again.  I can do nothing in my own strength, that is true.  But I have the God who beautifully created Jackson sitting right here with me, living inside of me.  And inside of him in that operating room.

I believe He is good.  I believe He works all things for good.  I believe He loves me deeply and loves my children more than I do.

When I remind myself of these things, Peace reigns.  He is in His rightful place, in control.

I don’t have to have all of the answers or know all the outcomes.  I have all I need for each moment.

Thanks for letting me share.