God Answers Prayers

The words “birth mother,” and “grieve the loss of this child,” and “it’s already a done deal,” and “decide if you want your money back or want to be put on a waiting list,” and “this NEVER happens” are swirling around in my head so much that I can’t even make sense of things.  Forgive me if you can’t follow me through this but a lot of the time I’m so socially awkward in a grieving situation but writing helps me to sort it out so that’s what I need to do right now.

Jack and I have always believed and still believe in the bond of children and birth parents.  We believe that adoption is a lot of the time a couple’s second choice (not in our case but in most) and in God’s mind it is second choice.  You may disagree with me and that’s ok.  God gives a child to a specific person for a specific reason.  If our world were not one filled with sin and sadness every child would be with the mother and father he was born to.  God’s choice would be for there not to be sin and sadness and these children would be where they were born.  (Thank you Ross & Chanda for helping us learn this through your children and experiences and helping prepare us for this without even knowing it).  Obviously we believe in adoption as well.  We believe there is a time and situation where children need to get out of their current circumstances for a lot of different reasons.  If at all possible a child should be with their biological family.  I say that with gritted teeth today because my heart is broken and I’m sad but every bit of that is “I” and if you are a good parent you put yourself aside.  If you have been one of the people over the last few months that have said to Jack or I that you bet Ashenafi will be so grateful and glad to be in the USA and in such a land of opportunity, you would have heard from us that we disagree.  A lot of people think these children are going to be eternally grateful right away for the life they now have but put yourself in their shoes; torn away from everything you know, people look, talk and smell completely different, someone you don’t even know is calling herself mom and all you really want is the one who really is mom.  Again, we obviously believe in adoption and know how beautiful it can be but we’ve also seen in the fears and anxiety of our first adopted child and the children we have been privileged to know how hard it is for them and yes it does get easier and there is a amazingly magical day that the child looks at you and calls you mama and really truly means it but the hole of that biological mother is never filled.  I do not want a child that can have the opportunity to be spared that heart ache.  All the medical treatment, schooling and love that we have for Ashenafi could never compare to what he will receive by getting his mother back.

I was so angry yesterday I literally screamed and bawled and made a complete fool of myself in McDonald’s, which is where I was when I received the call (thank you Jill for letting me bury my face in you!) and ran out like a lunatic in a mad dash to get to my husband screaming and crying the whole way in the car (thank you Jenni for listening to it!).  I was most of all angry about God’s timing of it.  We had been so careful for months not to tell the kids that they were definitely getting a brother and we kept telling them there were a lot of people and things could still go wrong…… until the day BEFORE yesterday.  Every time we would tell the kids that something else had gone through they would always ask “so we’re getting Judah?” and we would always say “it’s looking like it but we’ll see.”  The day we got the clearance they asked the same question and I finally told them “YES!”  Less than 24 hours later I was picking them up from school trying to hold myself together until Jack and I could sit down and tell them that in fact, no, he was not coming.  I’m a person who guards myself.  I don’t get attached to people or things because I no doubt get my feelings hurt or someone I count on leaves or disappoints me so rather than feel those things I shut myself off.  It something I’m constantly working on because what is life if you go around never really feeling.  Well, I can tell you, I’m feeling this one.  If you see me or try to talk to me about it you may not see it because of my awkwardness but just ask my husband.  I’m a hot mess.  Jackson’s face…. his poor little face buried in my chest sobbing.  I can’t even stand it.  So anyway (see I said I was going to be hard to follow today) the point is that today I see it differently.  We submitted that dossier and this happen before they received it.  So far to this point the only things that have been submitted and signed with Ashenafi’s name on them have been only within our adoption agency.  Had we been maybe even one week further into this process, paperwork would probably have been submitted to both governments and every bit of money that we have paid would be non-refundable.  Had this happen four months from now we may have already been on our first trip and actually met him and I really have no idea how I would’ve made it if we were that far and got this news.

It is only through prayer and the Holy Spirit that I can have this perspective.  My humanness wants so badly to be angry but every minute and every second I have to make an active decision to look at this from the perspective of God’s plan for us and His protection of us.  I know to those of you that don’t have a relationship with the Lord that sounds crazy but it truly is the peace that passes understanding.  I know there is a God and I know He is right here with us in this because there is no other explanation for even being able to look at a bright side of this.  There’s no reason I would be able to tell you that I am happy for this boy that will get his mother back instead of one day calling me mom.  Our God is greater than all of these things and has used this boy as part of our story.  I have no idea what this story will bring and we have some serious praying to do to try to get some clarity as to what our next step is.  We will not run ahead of God until He shows us His plan.  Was this boy Judah and we have to let him go or is Judah still out there waiting for us to find him?  We just don’t know.

So, I’m exhausted and am going to head to bed but just one last thing.  I know you may have seen the title of this blog and thought “Oh yay! they’re still going to get him!”  No.  We are not.  But, God did answer all of your prayers.  Ashenafi is going to be with his mother and we all got to pray and be a part of his story even though he will never even know.

Philipians 1:6 being confident of this, He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion.

James 1:2-3 consider it our joy my brothers and sisters whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance

Psalm 18:20 God made my life complete when I placed all of the pieces before Him

Proverbs 3:5  Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.