Finding Me

Still no word.  Just thought i’d get that out of the way :)

I’ve been thinking so much about how God has worked in our lives in the past few years.  I can honestly say I am not the same person.  I think that hopefully happens to all of us over the years as we learn and grow but I feel like my life and my love is completely different since adoption.  Having Emma and Jackson truly changed my life and now adoption has in a great way as well.  There’s something about having children in general that gives you so much more of a clear picture of the love and commitment God has with us.  There’s also something about taking in a child that you didn’t get to start out with, with all their hurts and baggage that gives you a different side of that picture too.  I had no control over what was chosen for their start or how they would be hurt and it also shows me the sorrow God has seeing us walk through this broken world.  I know there’s the argument of “why would He let it happen, why can’t He just make it easier.”  We live in a fallen world where there is a choice between sin and righteousness and God is a gentleman that doesn’t push himself on us just like you would not freely truly madly deeply love someone that you were told you had to love without it being your choice.  It doesn’t mean that He’s hurtful and mean, it just means that we reap the consequences of our sin and sometimes the sin of others and we need a savior more and more every day.  I’m in no way saying we are a savior to these children, actually it is the opposite.  They are used by the savior for us.

Here’s what I mean……. Since adopting Laila we always have people tell us how selfless and amazing we are for being willing to take on the challenge of a special needs child.  Now that we’re going through this again to take on another child it’s happening more and more.  I don’t blame people for seeing it that way but I really don’t know how to respond to that.  We don’t see it that way.  Our life is hard and we take it one day at a time but so does everyone else.  God calls all different people to all different things and we each have our own victories and challenges in that day to day life.  God has used Laila in MIGHTY ways to help us see what is important and what is not.  He has used her to make our two bio children the sweetest most loving amazing kids I just want to eat them up!  He has used her to show me the things I hate about myself and quite frankly some of the things that He hates in me as well.  All of these things have been to grow us closer to our Saviour and find every purpose He has for us to serve Him here, which in turn is our blessing.

Ranjit has already changed my life in so many ways as well.  God used our path to him to help me truly understand “you give and take away.”  He has used him to show me patience and perseverance and overcoming a mountain of fear.  He has used him to show me things in my life that I need to change and make room for growth in.  He has showed me a love for someone you have no idea when you’ll be able to actually be with and so much more.

http://youtu.be/YicZZtlB30Y

This is a song I stumbled upon a few months ago when I was running.  I listened to it thinking about how someone might listen to it and think this is exactly what an adopted child may say.  I’m here to tell you that this is what an adoptive parent will say.  God helps these children find US and change US.  Listen and I don’t know if you’ll see it too but it sure hit my heart but you know I’m a crazy music freak anyway.  I asked Jack if he agreed and he said “oh yes, but you definitely see things differently than other people.”

So, as I continue to find ways to pray and fast for my son, I am being refined.  I’m not holding each fast and carrying them over from month to month but I am using them to refine myself and cut out things I don’t need.  From the June fast food fast I only go to fast food when it’s planned and we have to.  From the July facebook fast I realized how much time I waste sitting on there in a daze so when August rolls around I will be back on but only once a day while my kids are not around.  And August…….. is a fast from sweets.  When I’m stressed I tend to go on a little binge and that has to stop and I have a feeling August might be a stressful month so what better time.  So you see, not only am I doing it as a sacrifice and prayer reminder, I’m also trying to get rid of bad habits and I see God moving things and shifting to make room for another child.  He’s already using RJ in a big way for me and while it hurts to grow, it’s so worth it.

Keep praying we hear about court soon.  It’s been 24 days since the NOC was issued.