The Stage of Annoyance

I didn’t realize it had been so long since I had written…… OK that’s not entirely true.  I thought about it several times but kept telling myself it’s because I’m busy (which I am) or that there was nothing new going on to report (not necessarily).  When it comes down to it, I’m not writing because I’m annoyed.  I thought tonight might not be the night to write as I’m sitting in a hospital room with my youngest for the third night in a row but I guess maybe exhaustion is like alcohol, makes the truth come out sometimes when your inhibitions are down and you just don’t care so much at the moment.

I write these things knowing full well all of the background reasons behind them that are deep rooted problems that come from insecurity and testing limits after a lifetime so far of heart ache and sorrow.  I’m writing them down because they are part of Ranjit’s story and his healing process and I know things will get better.  I’m writing them also because this is real life adoption.  It’s the nitty gritty.  I’m writing so that the rainbow, sunshine, unicorn stories that some people blind themselves with when they pat themselves on the back for “saving a child” fade to reality and they freak out and want to give up on these children.

*pause told hold puke bucket for gagging daughter

I’m annoyed.  I remember going through this phase with Laila too and I know it gets better and turns into always been there annoying child ;) especially at this moment as we’re going through this hospital stay.  I’m at a point with RJ that I’m over trying to pacifiy and do everything right as far as the books go.  I know that’s the best thing to do but sometimes patience only goes so far and you can only get to eye level so many times and keep calm and try to understand.  I’ll get it back and I know we’ll go through phases for the rest of our lives dealing with issues that come up but for today I’m exhausted and annoyed.

A few examples:

Already mentioned the peeing on me and the pretending to know nothing when it comes to school work with me.

Starting to get a little naughty at school.  Nothing too big just testing the limits and knowing he can manipulate.

Food.  Something he can control so he does.  Doesn’t do the typical hoarding or overeating.  Takes forever and deliberately looks at me taking tiny bites but man when you tell him he’ll miss church or you throw an idea of dessert out there he’ll finish up ASAP.

Lying.  The other day he told on himself for lying to his teacher and telling her he didn’t have a snack so she would give him oreos.  We went through the whole process of talking with him about it and he was going to apologize until we found our the whole story was completely made up.  No oreos, never told his teacher that.  Nothing.  His default answer to me most of the time is to lie.

Hurtful target = Me.  We spent four months not really letting anyone babysit and making sure everything was safe and secure and he never slept away from his own bed.  Well in the past week we stayed overnight in a hotel (which he loved bc there was a pool) but then Laila got sick and he’s been shuffled a bit during the day.  Now he pretty much wants nothing to do with me.  When I ask if he wants to take a walk with me at the hospital or if he wants to sit with me he looks at me with this defiance look and says no.  You wouldn’t recognize that’s what he’s doing and I’d love to just say he’s just bonded with others and likes them too but I know too much.  I know the look in his eye and I see the hurt and him pushing me.  I just know.  Just like I know that he planned for the minute he got on the phone with me tonight to tell me something he did wrong at school today and laugh because I wasn’t there and he thought I could do nothing about it.  Wrong buddy, mommy can parent from anywhere!

Here’s the thing.  We’re normal.  He’s testing me, I’m annoyed.  This is normal for an adoptive family.  No one can keep their perfect up all the time, no one can tell you their adopted (especially older) child is just fine and has no issue, no one can do it by the book every day.  The book is good (our favorite is the Connected Child) but some days and weeks it’s just real and it’s not a lot of fun and you’ve just gotta wade through it.  Here’s the key though.  You can’t stick in that place.  You have to get back to the basics and remember the things you made time to do in the beginning and while life has gone on and things get hectic, there still has to be time.  I need to get the adoption books back out and remember that these struggles stem from something and know that I don’t know it all and I’ve never parented a child like this and honestly neither have you.  All children are different and even though I have two bio children and one other adopted, this one is a whole new ball game because they all are.  No two are alike.  I need to get the skills and resources I need to carry on another day until it’s second nature for a while until another issue arises.  This is what we signed up for folks; broken hurting children that we promised to love no matter what and do the best we can.  I need to get back to my best……… and get some sleep.