For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him.
I felt Easter deeply this year. Like tears and ugly cry deeply. I attended three different Easter services because I just could not get enough corporate worship and teaching. Next year will be so different. It will be good in it’s own way, but different than being in the body of believers that I know so well from pastors that I know personally and love.
I really thought that the way I was feeling was related to our moving overseas but then it hit me. It’s Laila.
I wrote a little bit about it on my personal and Adopting Judah Facebook page but I have continued to feel it so strongly that I figured it had rolled around enough in my mind to warrant an actual blog post.
Friday night as I pondered the fact that Jesus died for me I realized that it was hitting me in a different way. We say “Jesus died for me” as a matter of fact and the statement almost loses it’s power because some of us have known it for so long or said it so many times. Jesus died for me. Jesus died for me.
But, then it struck me. God willingly let His Son die for me. He willingly gave up His child, for me. For you.
I know there are a lot of parents who read this blog. Have you ever truly thought about that fact? Have you ever realized the fact that Jesus prayed fervently to His Father to change His plan? Do you think about the fact that He cried out to His dad from the cross wondering why He had forsaken Him and God still let Him die? Can you put yourself in that position if it was your child?
He did that for you.
This was not my first Easter as a mother who watched her child die. We’re coming up on the two year anniversary of Laila’s death. But, for some reason God chose to reveal that more deeply to me this year. I think He sees me and knows how much I’m struggling. He needed me to know in a different way how deep His love is for me.
He sees I’m also stronger in my faith than I was two years, one year, or six months ago. He knows what knowledge I can handle when and exactly when I need to comprehend it.
This year God chose to open my eyes to the fact that I had to give up my child and so did He. Again, of course, I knew that but I didn’t really KNOW that. At least on the level I have for the past four days. I have no idea if that is even making any sense to anyone today but I needed to write this.
I will continue to process Laila’s death for the rest of my life.
I also worry about the sacrifice God is asking us to make and how that will affect my other three kids. All the thoughts you have thought or the questions you have whispered to others have crossed my my mind too.
God loves me and my children so much that I have to trust that He has plans that are good and right for ALL of my children. He has spoken to me so clearly in the moments of doubting myself with Laila’s care. Read Living Room Battlefield.
He knows and sees me and continues to speak encouragement and peace to my heart as I seek Him now too. He will do that for you too. Even if you don’t believe in Him or choose Him, He did it for you.
He’s the God that never leaves one behind.
So here I leave you with a picture hard to share. This is the last time I held my precious daughter. It may be hard to see. It is for me. But, God gave His Son for me too. I had to hand her over to His care until I get to see her again because I trust Him.
He has good and perfect plans for me and for you. We just have to be willing to hang on and trust.