The Birthday Blues

RJ celebrated his birthday last Friday.  We had been building the excitement all week and I had never seen him with quite that type of smile when he would talk about it.  If you were anyone who ran into him anytime that week you most definitely would have heard in his sweet Indian voice “Friday my Birdday!!” follwed by his little muscle pump that he does when he’s so excited about something.

I too had my excitement built up.  I had many memories flooding of last year at this time when I just didn’t know if I would make it through his birthday while he was in India and we were still here.  I had no idea what they would do for his birthday or if the day would go by with no mention.  Turns out his orphanage really did celebrate and I have some priceless pictures of he and friends from last year that we will always treasure, but at the time I didn’t know that nor did I really care, I just wanted my son.  So in this mindset I spent the last few months coming up with elaborate ways to celebrate but with adoption loans looming over our heads we weren’t too sure what would work.  Then I really sat back and thought about my son and the dynamic that he can and can’t handle and realized a family party at home that evening and a little fun with his closest friend during the day would be perfect for him.  I’m so glad that’s what we chose……..

Thursday night I decorated the whole house so Friday morning when he woke up it would be a big fun surprise.  I sat with anticipation for the clock to turn 6:30 with my video camera in hand waiting to catch his reaction when he walked out of his room.  It was not what I had expected.  He seemed almost freaked out by the decorations and when I asked him what day it was he said slow and sad “Friday…..my birdday.”  I wasn’t sure what was going on but I gave him the time he needed and made him breakfast.  He asked me to sit with him while he ate which was unusual but I did.  About half way through he looked up at me with those beautiful Indian eyes and said “mom, my birthday too hard, I too sad.”  Ugh, my heart broke for him.  I knew that special days like this could really be hard but you always think you’re the one that’s going to make it so great and so special that nothing can bring this kiddo down.  Reality check:  no amount of balloons, cake, presents decorations, hugs or anything can replace what’s been lost.  Especially this early.  This boy is missing the only “mom” he ever knew and all of his friends that he spent so many birthdays with.  Of course he is.

Not too much later our nurse arrived just in the knick of time with his first present and it turned back in to “IT’S MY BIRDDAY!!”  I hugged her and thanked her for turning it around for a few minutes.  And this is how the day went on.  Up and down emotions all day.  Rounds of sitting in my lap clinging for dear life, or retreating to his room for some quiet and then the switch would flip and he would be full force excited.  I’ve never watched a child try so hard to be happy in all my life.  Poor boy.

Here’s the victory:  he told me.  Instead of acting out or pushing me away, he told me how he felt.  And when he was able to do that I was able to respond appropriately and it made such a world of difference than this guessing game we’ve been doing with each other for the past few months.  I’m so very thankful that I do not have hurt feelings or jealousy toward the people he loves in India.  I love them too.  I think it helps him so much to be able to talk about them without feeling scared of hurting me or that I will think he wants to go back.  And making a homemade batch of gulab jamun for memories and love never hurts either ;)

Happy birthday beautiful boy!